We’ve all been there.
Frustrated at ourselves for saying yes to yet another request when really, all we wanted to do was to just say no. But what makes the act of saying “No” all so difficult? Do you have difficulty saying no to other people?
I’ll be honest, I’ve been there. Saying yes to something, hiding behind a veil of kindness when the truth is, you were just acting upon a fear of rejection. A fear that your family will be annoyed, that your boss will be unhappy or that the new friend you made will stop talking to you if you don’t buy them a drink.
You agree out of fear of something bad happening because saying yes is just so much easier, isn’t it? I mean, what’s wrong with saying yes to a few minor requests when you don’t want to do them?
Well, there is one problem.
You say no to yourself.
When you say yes to working overtime, you say no to that weekend trip away.
When you say yes to that job you hate, you say no to your passion.
When you say yes to someone you dislike, you say no to a real friendship.
Each and every time you say yes to something you don’t want to do, you’re really just saying no to you.
“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” – Paulo Coelho
Look, I get it. Saying no is hard. Feelings get hurt and things can get awkward but you know what hurts more? Waking up in 20 years and realising that you aren’t living the life you dreamed of because you said no to you.
So where do you get started?
Many times, we say yes to doing something simply because we think we don’t have a good enough reason to say no. Deep down, you know you don’t want to do it but at face value, you don’t really know why. That’s the first step. In order to start saying no to everyone else, you need to find out what it is that you’re rejecting yourself from doing.
That’s the first step. In order to start saying no to everyone else, you need to find out what it is that you’re rejecting yourself from doing.
Take a step back and ask yourself:
What do I want in life?
Visualise your ideal dream, your perfect future. Where you want to live, who you want to be, what you want to do. Once you have this long-term vision, you get the luxury of asking yourself a powerful question:
Which outcome will take me closer to my dreams?
With that vision in mind, it suddenly becomes a whole lot easier to figure out what exactly you’re saying yes to.
I used to be guilty of the exact same thing. Saying yes to things I never wanted to do, worried about saying no and wearing myself thin. I could never bring myself to say no, even though it felt like the right thing to do, simply because I couldn’t justify why not. I just wanted people to like me and avoided the awkward moments of saying no. Until one day, I audited how I spent my time and realised just how much time was wasted on tasks I never wanted to do. When I realised how much time was being wasted, it forced me to clarify with myself, what did I really want?
I just wanted people to like me and avoided the awkward moments of saying no. Until one day, I audited how I spent my time and realised just how much time was wasted on tasks I never wanted to do. When I
When I realised how much time was being wasted, it forced me to clarify with myself, what did I really want?
I wanted to help millions of people, all across the world live the lives that they truly wanted. Till this day, through The Swayr, my vision is to help people influence their perception of the world.
I remember that moment of clarity. It felt like I suddenly got hit with a large dose of reality. I realised that all this time I wasted on things I didn’t want to do, was time that could have been spent on working towards my dreams.
Suddenly, that fear of rejection just washed away. From that moment on, when I said no, it became clear to me that I was really just saying yes to something bigger.
– Remember to ask yourself, what do I really want out of life? –
KNOW THE COST OF SAYING YES
Sure, we usually say yes to the little tasks that stream in because it doesn’t seem like a big deal. Help out for 20 minutes and be a good person. What does it really matter?
Well what matters is that small favours, done repeatedly over the years become countless hours spent walking away from your dreams.
The number one currency you have in life is your time and each time you complete a ‘small favour’, you’re giving up your time to someone else. Once you’ve lost this time, it’s gone forever. When someone is asking you for a ‘small favour’, what they are really asking for is a small part of your life. The question you have to ask?
When someone is asking you for a ‘small favour’, what they are really asking for is a small part of your life. The question you have to ask?
Is it worth it.
Is this worth giving up a part of my life for?
The truth is, sometimes in life we’ll have to do things that we don’t want to do and that’s okay… if it is worth it.
If it is worth it, if they are worth it, then do it.
By all means, help out as much as you want because it’s coming from a place of sincerity. Kindness makes the world a much better place.
But if it isn’t worth it.
Don’t do it.
– Remember the costs of saying yes and only do it if it’s worth it. –
KNOW THAT IT’S OKAY TO SAY NO
You see, fear is a funny thing. The thought of saying no triggers intense thoughts about how things could go badly and the more you try to fight fear, the stronger it becomes. The more you pretend like you aren’t afraid, the stronger the fear and anxiety gets and you end up saying yes, just to make the feeling go away.
The more you pretend like you aren’t afraid, the stronger the fear and anxiety gets and you end up saying yes, just to make the feeling go away.
But it doesn’t feel good, does it.
When you agree to do something in spite, you feel frustrated at yourself. You told yourself that next time would be different but now you’re frustrated at yourself for being a pushover once more.
But didn’t you say yes to try and avoid the negative outcomes in the first place?
We’ve been conditioned to think that saying no is a bad thing. That things will go wrong, that it makes you a bad person and the truth is, it could get awkward.
It could be uncomfortable for a day or even a week, but saying no has no guaranteed outcome.
You could say no, they could say “No worries.” and just walk away.
But you already know the outcome of saying yes when you don’t want to.
Say yes when you don’t want to and it’s guaranteed that you will feel resentful.
– Remember, if you say yes when you don’t want to, you’re guaranteed to feel bad. Say no when you want to and it could all just be okay. –
So the next time you say no, just remember.
You haven’t just said no to them.
You’ve just said yes to yourself.
Do you have difficulties saying no? Let us know in the comments below!